Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Lessons Learned

 When I was first diagnosed with cancer I suffered in silence mostly because  I did not have a lot of support I did what I could. The concept of Cancer especially late grade cancer  was daunting! I became an expert at googling reading every piece   as much info I could regarding stage 3 grade 3 .

 I was waiting for death. I was expecting it.. I knew so  many women who died. I was certain I'd be next.  Even imagining my funeral ..

 I spent so much time worrying about dying I forgot what it was like to live. 
Recently my beloved cousin who was the most authentic person I knew died of Pancreatic Cancer. She didn't complain, she did what she could to try and  slow things down but the treatment was so hard on her body. She opted to live the best way she knew  .She never said Why Me but Why not me?  She accepted everything with the up most dignity, she didn't waste one moment , she gathered her friends, family told them all she was dying she wanted to spend whatever time left seeing as many of her  friends she could as well   plus being around her grandchildren... I have been living with Breast Cancer for 8 years, she had 8 months .. I believe I was suffering from Survivor Guilt asking myself Why I'm still here? I admit I have been overwhelmed by grief and guilt..She was an amazing woman, a wife mother grandmother. I honestly can say  I never knew anyone better.

She was dignified..

 I was  feeling sad internalizing my feelings for the past few years. I never let on to anyone  shut myself off..It's always easier to hide your feelings  Gave up relationships I could have had but fear of  dying kept me at bay. Companionship is so important, having someone to be your back up I had my cat.. I was becoming a "Cat Lady"  My life was lonely  I was told what a great positive attitude I had, What some saw outwardly isn't always the way you feel inside..

  My cousin gave me the best life lesson that sounds  so bloody cliche  each day is not given, whether we have Cancer or not anything  could happen... I sat at home  I cried, thought about my life  promised I was going to move on .. Well I'm trying, some days are harder than others.

 Taking a page from Dr. Phil ughhh "We can't change what we don't acknowledge but we can change how we choose to live"   living with Cancer is one more obstacle which I hate I don't want this . It's here I have to deal with it. Cancer is so unpredictable.. 

It's been a year since I learned she was dying, she died this past February , I have tried to do  what I promised... I don't wallow about what "if's"  but I have my moments. 

One day at a time !